Okay so first off the just jump right in. Kong is contained in a massive iMax theater and Godzilla apparently knows of Kong and hates him. So King Kong is like in Witness Protection. Godzilla also started busting up some US cybernetics lab for no reason. Possibly MechaGodzilla related. And that is the opening scenes. Not really gonna bother with a plot or build up huh?
The main scientist are all awful people especially the lady with with super helicopters. So I already started tuning out. Then suddenly two kids are driving a van looking for a crazy guy. Seems they still haven’t found a way to make a decent Godzilla movie outside of Japan huh? Oh and some little girl who does sign language and can speak to Kong. I mean that’s cool… haven’t seen them use a kid to control a kaiju before.
I mean I could go on. But much like this movie there is no reason to expand on anything. They jump straight from the kids and the crazy guy to Godzilla ambushing the boat carrying Kong. So predictably enough, Godzilla smacked the hell out of everyone and left as he is want to do. So we skip to the kids and crazy guy again. Breaking into the cybernetics lab. Loudly I might add. Just cracking one liners and quips because they are so hip. It just shows more proof that the Buffy the Vampire Slayer guy has ruined movies for ever. I pretty tired of non-stop quirky characters in everything. They always read like a bad self insert fanfiction character.
Huh? Oh that’s not unrelated. The next scene cut to them dumping Kong’s unconscious body at antarctica. Because they wanted him to go into a Willy Wonka style scary tunnel of lights that popped him out in the land of the lost. Like straight up old-school inside the earth is a prehistoric world. The fight a dragon thing and go running further in. Not gonna lie I was getting interested for once but now we have to abruptly change scenes to that cybernetics lab. Oh wow shocker. Guess who?
MechaGodzilla was there and that’s why Godzilla attacked. Apparently he can just sense things that are extra bigass large. That is his sole motivation in life. As soon as the turn on the big lizard robot we are back to the center of the earth with Kong and the gang. Apparently that was his old home. He found some axe and just sorta looked around a little. So obviously another sudden cut to MechaGodzilla. It’s hooked up to a Gidorah head. Godzilla is heading to Hong Kong, not King Kong, and we jump cut back to monke. His axe conveniently absorbs radiation. So lady scientist drills a bit of it and uploads that back to the MechaGodzilla lab. It can just be replicated instantly? It was the missing piece to fully power the robot. Back at King Kong he decided he no longer liked the humans and started smashing them up. Wrecking his home/axe temple thing. At the same time our trio of oneliners are trying to smash up the computer replicating the material. How and why they know it needs to be done is unclear. They get caught just in time to jump cut to Godzilla smashing up Hong Kong when out jumps King Kong from the center of the earth. Hilarity ensues. Legitimately Godzilla punks out Kong and just leaves. All he wanted was to prove he is the number one guy in Letterkenny. Just as he was leaving MechaZilla shows up and so Godzilla gets all.
Pitter Patter let’s get at ‘er. So yeah… I was going to explain how King Kong and Godzilla teamed up and it was getting cool, but the fat kid spills a drink on a computer terminal and that shuts down MechaGodzilla. Oh how I wish I was joking. So um, that’s it no review today. The movie sucked. It was all over the place. Started abruptly mid plot with no build up and ended equally lackluster. So instead let’s do something else. I present to you Godzilla Vs King Kong: The Haro Cut.
So let’s keep a few ground rules. I will assume it’s mandatory to keep all the relevant plot beats. I can not add new monsters. I will not depend on any previous Godzilla movies outside of the 2 newest one by Legendary Studios. So let’s have the credits roll with rolling establishing shots of destroyed cities. Slice in scenes of monster fights from those places from the previous movies. As the actual movie starts have some scientists in a tent with a computer talking about how the biggest problem is how the monster that lives always escapes to sea. The ones that don’t make it are little more than body parts. The other scientist is like, what if that isn’t always the case? What could you do? The camera pulls back showing they were next to one of Gidorah’s severed head.
So the title pops up and a 6 months later text splash. An off shore nuclear reactor platform is swarming with activity. Lots of cables and helicopters and stuff. Really impressive. The camera follows one 🚁 as it leaves towards the horizon. As it pans up you see it’s Skull Island. The scientists are actively building the Kong Containment and Research Center. The helicopter has the two scientists from the start of the film. Have a minor issue with Kong smashing up a drone or a helicopter and they explain that’s why it has to be offshore. Because Kong smashes anything that isn’t naturally from his island. They can have some sciency talk about monsters. Or some personal motivations for why they are doing this. Just they hint at what they are studying Kong for. Some mystical super radiation power that they all seem to have. Like our blood has plasma, they have some super energy. As they discuss that energy source cut to what looks like a flashback if Godzilla blasting his atomic breath. Only it’s not a flash back. He is blasting the offshore reactor platform. And this leads to the first Kong for Godzilla fight. Obviously Kong gets his ass rocked. The scientists hit a beacon that detonates a nuke awhile away. Not just a nuke but a Mutotrap Bomb. It has old kaiju parts in it and it simulates the conditions of a big monster fight. Luring out Godzilla long enough for them to grab Kong and go. As much as I don’t want to, they take him to antarctica.
Just in my version he freaks out and starts pulling down the helicopters and wrecking everything up. The scientists have a quick back and forth asking if he has been here before? Because apparently this is where they are studying this energy source. As he starts smashing up the transports he tosses one into the wall of a big research center. As the wall falls down a few other Kong skulls fall out. As that happens you hear robotic gears and you expect MechaGodzilla, but instead it’s CyberKong! I know I said no other monsters, but there is no existing license for cyberkong. So it’s cool okay? Okay. So as they fight cyberkong pushes normal Kong back to this doorway and when he punches Kong so hard blood sprays from his mouth over the gate it starts to sparkle with the same blue Godzilla’s breath has and opens. Kong and CyberKong fight to the center of the earth. Nothing much to it just a cool fight to get Kong his Axe. When he grabs the axe a whole bunch of little Godzilla’s rush him. As the fight rages on big Godzilla starts looking real horny. Like extra super turned on. And he starts screaming into the ocean. Barreling towards another small island and just starts ripping it apart. Blasting and kaijuing it up until he rips open another portal. Instead of having a chance to get in. Kong was ready. Jumping out with his axe already charged up from the fight he goes after Godzilla. While they fight the scientist realize the axe is what they were looking for. He summons that drill sub from older movies.
That ship has the prototype MechaZilla using the skull of Gidora as it’s power source until it gets the axe from Kong and shoves it into it’s own back like a spine spike. Charging him up as he overclocks and grabs both Godzilla and King Kong by the throat as he flies towards them. Choke dragging them across the ocean as he toss them into some port town, I don’t care pick one, then the three fight. MechaZilla gets beaten only once Kong and Godzilla join up. When King gets his axe back Godzilla instantly gets on the defensive. Until King just snaps it in half tossing it to the ocean. As Godzilla turns away to head back to sea, the camera pans to show an old scar where one of his spine spikes had been ripped out ages ago. I dunno, something like that. I mean I’m just winging it. Literally just top of my head. I don’t know why everyone else struggles to write a decent monster focused monster movie. Just focus on the monkey. They have carried movies before many a times. Make Kong King and don’t focus on more humans than you absolutely need too in order to bring their plot home. Man, look I just gotta go. I need to watch some Final Wars to feel better. So okay, bye.