Yes Lunchables the only thing aside from death and taxes that is a certainty. Much like death and taxes it also is inconvenient and disappointing. Spoilers for how this is going down.

So Nintendo is doing a contest with Lunchables so I mistakenly thought I liked them. I don’t. I like the concept of them. Like when you finally get you crush to go out with you and it’s just average. Sure she’s cute and all but now you are having Lunchables everyday. You start noticing little things like the meat tastes like wet dishtowels or that for cheese it sure is foamy. Plus who doesn’t want cold stale crackers freakin’ yum am I right? Those Uploaded Lunchables had promise but it was a Lunchable sandwich. As in a sandwich made with Lunchables. The cold bread and damp meat made only slightly better with the massive amount of mayo I covered it with. I’m 3 down and 1 more to go on my contest entries for this week. Sure the Capri Sun is passable, again something we all think we like. Some have a bottle of water and a Kool Aid packet, just gonna say it needs sugar. Like a lot of sugar. I remember making Kool Aid damn near pulpy with sugar chunks. So that could be on me.

Still though it’s not worth it when it comes with a sandwich that makes sack lunch seem gourmet. Lunchables try to sweeten the deal with the treats. Your eyes lock on to the Reese Cup or Capri Sun and you forget a decade of field trip disappointments. You think oh what a quirky treat I’m not getting older everyday! Well you are, but I’m not sure that meat is. I am pretty sure it has been scientifically enhanced to never age and never spoil. As kids we were sucked into the packaging. Reds and yellows seem to be popular for food brands.

Speaking of nasty damp sandwiches, Subway once again ruins my expectations for a restaurant. Still all the others show there is some serious brain trickery with those colors. Not to mention all the tie-ins, promotions, or just plain packaging with Star wars on it. So don’t blame yourself for buying theme over and over. Who could resist one of these.

Back then they didn’t have a snack, but they probably had real meat. Which I want to say is what this is.

Something about “all natural” Lunchables just runs me the wrong way. That and those P3 protein Lunchables. What type of human nightmare is fit and active enough to need a protein meal yet mentally stunted enough to consume Lunchables on a regular basis? That is a mental image my brain has blacklisted. But these though. I know exactly who would buy these.

Not even trying to be subtle with it huh? Just diving right in on how little nutrition you got going on. I can easily ignore those because as an adult I can buy Oreo and frosting anytime I want. That isn’t the same for a Treatza though.

I am unsure if that’s a cookie or crust but I still kinda want it. Like I should know better and yet, I still would take that risk if it was on sale.

Sour tacos though? No hard pass. The packaging is still kinda appetizing. It almost gets me until I read what exactly they are selling.

Again another near miss. Chicken nuggies? Yes! With a dip? Oh, it’s called Dunkies? Okay. Oh and the dip is ketchup? Okay that’s gross. It proves kids will eat anything you shovel at them if it’s colorful and ketchup covered. Sadly it’s not even the most disgusting one saw while grabbing my pics.

Hot Dogs, let that sink in, cold sweaty backpack hot dogs. Nothing says your parents don’t care like cold hot dogs on soggy bread. Keep in mind what they try to pass as Pizza, hell what they try to pass off as ham. So what is a Lunchable Hot dog made off? Like wet cat food? And yet there is one more terrible idea in a blister pack.

Lunchables Brunchables Breakfast, for when you want to start your day hating yourself. This one truly scares me because well, who is it for? Kids? Health conscious creeps running late to hide in a playground? Seriously who would pick bacon bits and army eggs over almost a pizza. It’s time we accept that the 90s were rad, but most of our lunches were just bad. But to end this on something sad, it’s 4:15 AM and as I type this out well.

I’m saving that Kit Kat to wash down my self loathing.