So are you happy now? Final Phonetasy 7 came out. A mobile phone, touch controls, battle royal game set in the world of Final Fantasy 7. One of the all time great RPGs. A pinnacle of turn based combot with a heavy focus on narrative and character growth. You went and made it a Fortnite Lite auto aim looter shooter.

I mean you pulled it off. It’s atmospheric and feels very much in the Crisis Core FF7 prequel vibe. The menus are slick. The mechanics work. Even summons and magic feel really nice. Still I kinda hate it. I wanted it to be good, and it is, but I wanted it to be more. What I got was a wonderful tutorial full of cutscenes and excitement.

Yeah! Final Fantasy 7 baby! This is amazing! 30 years before the events of Crisis Core and FF7 we have the genesis of the Soldier Program. Training up to tackle the growing threat of monsters spawing in response to the use of Mako energy slowly killing the planet. That uh, that didn’t last long. After the tutorials and few matches what I saw was terrible. Pay to win, pay to play, pay to dress up, and leave any hope of fun at the door. I often try these mobile games because they are mostly free to start. Some are even incredibly balanced for a single player low to no micro transactions needed for the bulk of the story. The My Hero game was good for that one. This one just smacks you straight up with a screen of payment only bonuses.

Whoooo! Fun! Let’s spend real money on pretend dress up items and side step earning good gear with your lunch money. Since the game is PvP don’t count on earning funds from winning matches. All thosecgoods belong to the kids who bought the purple drops from the store. Now I am not against this game model. I get it’s purpose. Just I’m not big on taking a game series that I have already spent enough money on that if I had it all back I could buy a used Honda Civic, and put it’s next canon installment behind a pay to win mess. It’s not because I’m bad at it that I’m salty.

I’m thr Video Game Boy, I’m the one that wins! Just ya know it’s launch day. Not a lot of people have started smashing un their credit cards and racking in the credits. Now okay, look it’s not like you are on your own here. You get team mates and they can just as easily have all the premium swords and chocobo paint skins slapped all over them. Still that puts you as “That Guy” in your party. Nobody wants to be that guy. Even less fun to have “That Guy” in your team.

That just compounds the real shame that it’s beautifully crafted. Lots of Easter Eggs and little bits of detail that prove they honestly tried here. I was planning to hold off and get a few days in before writing this out. Just I don’t see myself going back to this game aside from snagging my log in rewards and closing out until the inevitable PlayStation or Switch port comes along. I’d be more inclined to overlook it’s shortcomings playing on my TV with a controller in my hand. The less than enjoyable touch controls only compound my frustrations when I get smacked up by yet another Cloud with a $15 sword as I try to move, aim, and adjust my camera by swirling my thumbs around my phone. Text messages and Discord notifications don’t help at all mind you. So I am gonna have to bow out. So take my materia and slot it in your butthole.

The game is free to play, kinda, so go ahead and give it a try. You might love it. If you want to toss your money around well we have a Patreon. Just sayin’ it’s right here.

https://www.patreon.com/ActionCouchLife

So in conclusion it’s not a bad game. It’s far better than most Battle Royal games I played. Just maybe not a good phone game. It’s just not doing it for me. I’m gonna go grab my PSP and replay Crisis Core. Which I can’t recommend enough.