Now I don’t know about you, but when I think Smuckers I think meat. That’s right the industry standard for average jelly has decided do branch into Hot Pockets. Well several types of meat based microwave bread foods. Taco Bites, Pepperoni Rolls, Barbeque Chicken, and these uncured pepperoni bites. No I didn’t get the other flavors. I don’t get paid enough to do that to myself. Not after my first, and last, exposure to the Uncrustables brand. It was back in the halcyon days of GameCube. My sister called me to her gas station to help clean up for some pocket money. Final Fantasy Chrystal Chronicles just came out and I needed it. I changed the trash, cleaned the bathrooms, and drank endless fountain sodas while stocking shelves until finally she gave me my money. That and a box of Smuckers Uncrustables that didn’t sell. Not a package mind you. A box of hundreds of them that I thought nothing of at the time. Tossing them in the back of my friend Juice’s oldĀ Cutlass Ciera and head to his place. Leaving those sandwiches to bake in the hot sun all the next morning until we roll out of bed around half past four.

We head down to Game Junkie. The best arcade import store that has ever or will ever exist. Buy the game then sit around defending our DDR supremacy in-between high stakes Dig Dug matches until the call for adventure gets us. Heading home knowing this has to be a teenage marathon run to the boss we grab our name sakes from the store. A few 2 liters of soda and a gallon of orange juice we discover the forgetten trove of PB&J tucked into the trunk. Our night was going to be great.

there is some subtle foreshadowing in this picture

Heading in we fire up the GameCube and have the great idea to eat a sandwich after each boss. As you received Moogle Mail! What went from joy, to anger, to beaten resignation every twenty minutes or so you would hear two men crying as they said “yay… Moogle Mail” and grabbed their floppy sandwich pouches.

The fights got harder, but so were some of the sandwiches. That’s when we noticed for the first time they needed to stay frozen. The exact opposite of a steel box in the sun for over 24 hours. Yet we didn’t stop. We set rules, a challenge, if one of us stopped they had to order pizza for both of us. Well it was late, it would have been McDonald’s at this point. My body hurts, my pee smelled like straight peanut butter, and I wanted to keep my monies for me. The night was long, the nap was short, and we finished the game in a weekend. A horrible rancid jelly filled weekend. So why do I bring this up? Because I’d rather have one of those Moogle Mail sandwiches than these things.

You get three packs of two bites in each box. Microwave them in the unopened wrapper for 40 seconds, or 60 seconds for two packs, and have at it. The smell is not bad. The texture is spongy soft with a texture that reminds me of damp cigar leaf. The taste is, well you ever just chew on one of those massive pepperoni logs? That’s it. Very vinegar forward sour kick with a mild spiced meat taste. With a hint of shitty biscuit bread and nothing else. I told that story up there because I have nothing witty to say about these things. They are bereft of joy. It’s a sad meal. These little buns will actively make your day worse. Typically I say you should atleast try it yourself. Even bad foods have some appeal. Sad foods though, bring nothing. If online movie reviews had a flavor, there ya go. The only good thing about these is I immediately made a box of Bagel Bites afterwards. Bagel Bites the unsung hero of burnt dinners and bad choices. If you ever mess up a meal, don’t bother with it. Toss that stuff straight to the trash and have 9 little bitesized disks if joy instead.

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